For the last few months since it happened, I've been doing everything in my power to distract myself. From camp to CIY to getting obsessed with TV shows instead of reality. I've spent months trying to focus on anything but the pain that was always at the forefront of my mind.
So I stayed away, I did whatever I could to stay comfortable. I distracted myself, I avoided the pictures on my phone, I didn't talk about it. Not to say I didn't know God had something to say to me, & maybe I even heard it every now & then, but it didn't feel real. I knew it was the truth, but it didn't feel like it would help. That's not to say I never broke, I've cried more tears than I even knew was possible. But all in all, I've spent the last few months pretending to be something I wasn't: fine.
I pretended there was nothing wrong, I built walls against the hurt in my life, I lied to myself, I said I could get over it alone. I convinced myself maybe I'd just move on. And this faux-self I was creating was what I presented to the public,
"how are you?" "I'm good!" (they don't want to know anyway).
"how has your summer been?" "Great!" (I'm not lying, camp & CIY were awesome.)
& my personal favorite:
"How was Africa??" "good!" "that's all? you must have so many stories!" "oh yeah! I'll have to tell you about it sometime" (I didn't)
I didn't want anyone's advice, I didn't want anyone to try to help or say they were sorry or {heaven forbid} they "understood". So I didn't talk about it, I kept quiet & pretended nothing happened.
& believe it or not, that worked. But it didn't help.
It broke me more, when I cried into my pillow, alone in my room. It led to feeling more lonely than I've ever been before.
I didn't feel like I had a place anymore, I was lost & didn't understand where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing. I wasn't drowning anymore, but I felt stranded.
My life was upside down, I couldn't figure out where I was going, every simple thought I had for the future was thrown out of sorts I did not understand how God could let it hurt as bad as it did.
Since I got home there have been times where I thought I could see what God wanted me to know at the time, He was still with me, He wasn't going anywhere, He had a plan. But these occurred during "spiritual high" times when I was surrounded by people I loved & we were spending every moment focused on Him, so when I came home, & that wasn't there, suddenly it was so much harder to listen & remember what He had to say.
I looked around me & didn't understand how everyone else this effected seemed to just be... okay. Why wasn't I? Why couldn't I just "get over it"? Why didn't it feel like it was getting better? I knew His plan was better, but I just couldn't see how anything would feel better.
& then a few days ago, I started getting pictures from our friends in Uganda for a few weeks...
& He said "look, she's okay. none of this took me by surprise"
I got pictures of sweet smiley girls & videos of them saying they loved & missed me & he said "listen, I still have a plan for you. You don't need the details yet, your life still has a purpose"
But if I'm being honest, this picture was really what triggered it (even though I just got it 12 hours ago), this picture of my girl, of the beautiful smiling face of the {not quite as little anymore} love I fell head over heals for long before any of this happened, who I would do just about anything for, who breaks my heart daily & I miss beyond words. My eyes lit up at this picture & He said "Don't you see? You're not alone. I love you & my will is bigger than this"
No, I'm not suddenly magically at complete peace with everything. Yes, it still hurts like crazy. No, I still don't know exactly where I'm going from here, but I have so much more confidence than ever before that my Father hasn't left me stranded, that His will is good & He wants what's best for His children. He put this passion in my heart for a reason & He's not taking it away. & that's why it hurts, but He knows what He's doing. He hasn't taken away what I love, He's showed it to me anew, & even among the hardship & pain & tears, I couldn't be more thankful for His love for me.
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come
-kutless: "Even If"
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