finding peace

A few months ago, a huge part of my life & my heart was taken out from under me. I was devastated, lost, confused, {if I'm being honest, I still am} it felt like I would never be okay again when the pain in my heart was so fierce.

For the last few months since it happened, I've been doing everything in my power to distract myself. From camp to CIY to getting obsessed with TV shows instead of reality. I've spent months trying to focus on anything but the pain that was always at the forefront of my mind.

So I stayed away, I did whatever I could to stay comfortable. I distracted myself, I avoided the pictures on my phone, I didn't talk about it. Not to say I didn't know God had something to say to me, & maybe I even heard it every now & then, but it didn't feel real. I knew it was the truth, but it didn't feel like it would help. That's not to say I never broke, I've cried more tears than I even knew was possible. But all in all, I've spent the last few months pretending to be something I wasn't: fine.

I pretended there was nothing wrong, I built walls against the hurt in my life, I lied to myself, I said I could get over it alone. I convinced myself maybe I'd just move on. And this faux-self I was creating was what I presented to the public,

"how are you?" "I'm good!" (they don't want to know anyway).
"how has your summer been?" "Great!" (I'm not lying, camp & CIY were awesome.)
& my personal favorite:
"How was Africa??" "good!" "that's all? you must have so many stories!" "oh yeah! I'll have to tell you about it sometime" (I didn't)

I didn't want anyone's advice, I didn't want anyone to try to help or say they were sorry or {heaven forbid} they "understood". So I didn't talk about it, I kept quiet & pretended nothing happened.

& believe it or not, that worked. But it didn't help.

It broke me more, when I cried into my pillow, alone in my room. It led to feeling more lonely than I've ever been before.

I didn't feel like I had a place anymore, I was lost & didn't understand where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing. I wasn't drowning anymore, but I felt stranded.

My life was upside down, I couldn't figure out where I was going, every simple thought I had for the future was thrown out of sorts I did not understand how God could let it hurt as bad as it did.

Since I got home there have been times where I thought I could see what God wanted me to know at the time, He was still with me, He wasn't going anywhere, He had a plan. But these occurred during "spiritual high" times when I was surrounded by people I loved & we were spending every moment focused on Him, so when I came home, & that wasn't there, suddenly it was so much harder to listen & remember what He had to say.

I looked around me & didn't understand how everyone else this effected seemed to just be... okay. Why wasn't I? Why couldn't I just "get over it"? Why didn't it feel like it was getting better? I knew His plan was better, but I just couldn't see how anything would feel better.

& then a few days ago, I started getting pictures from our friends in Uganda for a few weeks...

& He said "look, she's okay. none of this took me by surprise"

I got pictures of sweet smiley girls & videos of them saying they loved & missed me & he said "listen, I still have a plan for you. You don't need the details yet, your life still has a purpose"

But if I'm being honest, this picture was really what triggered it (even though I just got it 12 hours ago), this picture of my girl, of the beautiful smiling face of the {not quite as little anymore} love I fell head over heals for long before any of this happened, who I would do just about anything for, who breaks my heart daily & I miss beyond words. My eyes lit up at this picture & He said "Don't you see? You're not alone. I love you & my will is bigger than this" 

No, I'm not suddenly magically at complete peace with everything. Yes, it still hurts like crazy. No, I still don't know exactly where I'm going from here, but I have so much more confidence than ever before that my Father hasn't left me stranded, that His will is good & He wants what's best for His children. He put this passion in my heart for a reason & He's not taking it away. & that's why it hurts, but He knows what He's doing. He hasn't taken away what I love, He's showed it to me anew, & even among the hardship & pain & tears, I couldn't be more thankful for His love for me.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

-kutless: "Even If"

3 years.

august 6th.

3 years ago on this day, a plane landed in a Ugandan airport.
there were probably hundreds of people on that flight. every single one of them had lives & purposes. some of those people were natives, coming home from trips abroad. some of them had family there they were visiting. some of them were foreigners, coming back to somewhere they'd been before. some of them were seeing this place for the very first time.

I was one of those people.

& it was on this very day, 3 years ago, that my life changed forever.

I was 12 years old. I'd never been out of the country before, heck i'd hardly been on an airplane. i'd never been on a mission trip. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I'd wanted to go to Uganda for months, I was so excited I could hardly breathe or think about anything else.

& I was so, so incredibly naive.

I'd seen pictures, I'd heard stories, I even knew some of the people's names. but I had absolutely no clue what I was walking into.

I had no idea the hurt I would witness, I had no idea the joy I would feel, I had no idea what that love would be like, or what would happen when I came home.

I had no idea the effect that trip would have on my life, but more importantly, I had no idea how enormously different my life would be after I returned home 2 weeks later.

Uganda had already become a pretty big part of my family's lives that year, but that August, things got personal. Those people became a part of my life. Going to Uganda wasn't something my family did, it was something I did.

& there was no going back, my heart was tied to this place, & it was for good.

3 years ago, I didn't think I could love this place or these people more, today I laugh at what I thought was love back then.

12 year old me, being in Uganda for the first time, had no idea the joy & the love I would experience over the next few years. Had no idea you could love someone as much as I have, that that was even possible. Or what it would be like when I thought I couldn't love someone any more, & yet it still happened. What it would look like to understand just how much my Father loves me, that He would allow me to be part of something that brought so much love & joy into my heart, when He really could do it all Himself. I had no idea I would grow to find so much joy in every day I spent there. I had no idea how much my heart would grow to ache at the thought of being back again. The joy I felt being there that August pales in comparison to the joy I felt getting off that plane a few months ago.

But that's not all I didn't know.

12 year old me had no idea the pain I would experience over the years to come. A few years ago, my life was pretty stinking easy. My idea of what it felt like to be hurt was like a paper cut compared what the next few years would bring. I had no clue how much it would hurt to be away from the people I love. I was utterly oblivious to what it would feel like when that love was pulled out from under me. I didn't know what it felt like to love them & lose them. I didn't have any idea the heartbreak I was in for. I didn't have a clue how many hours I would spend crying, or what it would be like to grow to hate parts of the country I thought I loved everything about.

Uganda holds some of my most beautiful memories, a lot of my most painful moments, times I've felt more scared than I thought possible. It claims some of my brightest smiles & most genuine laughs, & also some of the most tears shed. It was the backdrop for many of the experiences that have made me into the person I am today.

My life today looks dramatically different than it did 3 years ago. My every day thoughts have changed, my ideas about what my future would look like have changed, my priorities have changed a lot.

The last few years have been by far the hardest of my life, they've been beautiful, amazing, & I've seen God come through in incredible ways more times than I can count, but they're been painful, heart wrenching, & have left me both completely in awe & completely at a loss.

& I'll tell you right now that I wouldn't trade them, this love or these scars, for the world.