The truth about my birthday; this isn't me!

A week ago today was my 16th birthday. On that day I started my Sweet Sixteen for Sonrise campaign to raise $1600 for Sonrise Ministries.

In the seven days I've been working on this, I've been able to raise over $1000 (2/3 of the way there!!!), had (according to GoFundMe) around 60+ people share the campaign, sold a few t-shirts, & had countless people tell me how wonderful it is & how great I am for doing this for my birthday.

But really, that's just not the truth.

I haven't raised a dollar.

Since the start of this campaign, it's been something I truly believe God wants me to be doing,  all I've done since that day is say yes, over & over every single day, & let Him take care of the rest.

Here's the truth:

Every day that I haven't started the day, before I posted a word or sent messages to people or tried to come up with another way to get the word out, by praying for this to be about God & not myself, not one person donated. No matter how many people I sent messages to about it or how many times I shared it or how many people liked the picture I posted, I didn't raise anything if I didn't start with prayer.

But,  on days when I keep the focus on God & what He can do & not what I can do, & praying for Him to come through in ways I couldn't possibly make happen alone, on days when I prayed about what I posted & asked God all day long to show Himself through this, those are the days that I've raised hundreds of dollars in one day.

I refuse to believe that could possibly a coincidence or all about timing, not when I've closed my computer & stopped working to pray when I realized I hadn't done so yet that day, & shortly after gotten messages from people who later gave generous donations. Not when the days that I start it right & the days that I don't look so radically different.

The truth is this isn't me! Nothing that has been raised by this campaign has been my doing.

I cannot take the credit for this. It isn't because I designed a cool t-shirt or because I'm such a great person, I'm not. I will not take the credit & I can't let people glorify me for any of this.

This has never been about me, it's not about my birthday, (let's be real, none of these people who have donated would've been giving me birthday gifts anyway), it's not even about Sonrise. It's about saying yes to God & Him getting the glory.

Everything that has happened over the last week has been God-orchestrated, I didn't convince anyone to donate, I didn't changed people's minds or get them to stop scrolling long enough to read my post, or take the time to give 20 or 50 or 100 dollars. None of this has been me or my doing. It's been God, He has this power, I don't.

I'm not doing anything incredible, I said yes because it was really the only choice.

Because caring for God's children isn't an option, it's not a suggestion, it's not something I'm "called" to that you're not. It's a command found over & over again in His Word, all I did was choose to obey it.

So please, don't tell me what a great thing I'm doing, don't tell me you admire me & don't tell me how awesome it is that I've done all this already.

Instead praise God that He cares about his children & thank Him for His love for every one of us, because that's what this is really all about.

p.s. if you want to be a part of what God is doing, you can donate to the campaign here

Sweet Sixteen

Let's go back a few years.

On my 12th birthday, I was waiting on the day I would have a little sister, & begging my parents to let me go to Uganda soon. I don't think I did anything for my birthday. Honestly, it's not that memorable. {Never have gotten that sister}

On my 13th birthday, I woke up in a guest house in Kampala, Uganda, when my entire life was in chaos. We were in hiding. That one was memorable.

On my 14th birthday, my dad was in Africa & my mom was off talking about Africa & my siblings surprised me with pizza & cupcakes & we laughed for hours. I probably won't remember forever, but it was a fun night.

On my 15th birthday, I went shopping alllll day with my best friend at the time & came home exhausted. {bags full of stuff, but I'd only spent $50 ;)} We went out for dinner that night... a lot has changed since that day.

That day was a year ago, & I'm not gonna lie, 15 has been a rough year.

In the last year, I've lost a lot of people I care about, had my faith tested in painful ways, my life has turned upside down, & is still working on righting itself, I've felt lost, hurt, betrayed. I've felt alone in ways I'd never known or understood, & had to fight against the enemy to be able to find any kind of peace. I've learned a lot about God & about myself & about what He desires for & from me, but it hasn't been easy.

15 was a rough year.

Today is my 16th birthday, & in hoping 16 is as sweet as they say, I want to make this birthday one to remember.

This year, I want to make my birthday matter to someone other than myself. Quite a few "someone"s actually.

In Jinja, Uganda, somewhere in the neighborhood of 90 children are being cared for, raised, & loved by Sonrise Ministries.

These kids are the most cheerful, loving, caring, wonderful children I've ever met in my life. Their love brings me so much joy, nothing would make me happier today on my birthday, than to be able to make their days a little brighter.

I don't want my birthday to be about me, I want it to be about them, about God, & about what He wants for my life.

So, instead of having a huge "Sweet 16" party with all my friends, instead of begging my parents for a car, instead of hoping for gifts and things for myself, I'm turning it around, & hoping for something for people that I love.

Starting today, for the next 16 days, I'll be raising money for these incredible children.

My goal right now is $1,600 (I'm a little into this 16 theme). I'm praying that God takes this little campaign above & beyond that & that over the next 16 days I'll be able to raise that goal to help provide even more for these lovely children of God, but if not, I know he'll use whatever we are able to raise to further his work.

I've been dreaming, scheming, & praying about this campaign since September, when I knew God wanted me to do something different for my birthday. Over the next few days, I'll have some other neat stuff coming out in other ways you can get involved, so watch out for that!

Uganda has been my passion for over 3 years now, there is no way I'd rather celebrate my birthday than to be involved in the mission God has placed in front of me.

I'll shout from the rooftops every day of my life that you don't have to wait until you're older to make a difference in God's kingdom, & yet while I'm here in the states I'm really not making a huge effort to do much. Yes, I spend a few weeks or a few months in Uganda, but I'm tired of waiting until I'm physically overseas to do something.

In the time it's taken you to read this post, roughly 20 children have died of hunger. That's not cool. I want to be able to help the people who are saving children from that very fate, so that they can continue their work & reach out & help more kids.

It's been a rough year, I hope you'll help me start out this year of being 16 in the best way possible!

This is the link to my GoFundMe page where you can read more of my story & what Sonrise is doing in Uganda. If you can give any amount I would greatly appreciate it!

finding peace

A few months ago, a huge part of my life & my heart was taken out from under me. I was devastated, lost, confused, {if I'm being honest, I still am} it felt like I would never be okay again when the pain in my heart was so fierce.

For the last few months since it happened, I've been doing everything in my power to distract myself. From camp to CIY to getting obsessed with TV shows instead of reality. I've spent months trying to focus on anything but the pain that was always at the forefront of my mind.

So I stayed away, I did whatever I could to stay comfortable. I distracted myself, I avoided the pictures on my phone, I didn't talk about it. Not to say I didn't know God had something to say to me, & maybe I even heard it every now & then, but it didn't feel real. I knew it was the truth, but it didn't feel like it would help. That's not to say I never broke, I've cried more tears than I even knew was possible. But all in all, I've spent the last few months pretending to be something I wasn't: fine.

I pretended there was nothing wrong, I built walls against the hurt in my life, I lied to myself, I said I could get over it alone. I convinced myself maybe I'd just move on. And this faux-self I was creating was what I presented to the public,

"how are you?" "I'm good!" (they don't want to know anyway).
"how has your summer been?" "Great!" (I'm not lying, camp & CIY were awesome.)
& my personal favorite:
"How was Africa??" "good!" "that's all? you must have so many stories!" "oh yeah! I'll have to tell you about it sometime" (I didn't)

I didn't want anyone's advice, I didn't want anyone to try to help or say they were sorry or {heaven forbid} they "understood". So I didn't talk about it, I kept quiet & pretended nothing happened.

& believe it or not, that worked. But it didn't help.

It broke me more, when I cried into my pillow, alone in my room. It led to feeling more lonely than I've ever been before.

I didn't feel like I had a place anymore, I was lost & didn't understand where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing. I wasn't drowning anymore, but I felt stranded.

My life was upside down, I couldn't figure out where I was going, every simple thought I had for the future was thrown out of sorts I did not understand how God could let it hurt as bad as it did.

Since I got home there have been times where I thought I could see what God wanted me to know at the time, He was still with me, He wasn't going anywhere, He had a plan. But these occurred during "spiritual high" times when I was surrounded by people I loved & we were spending every moment focused on Him, so when I came home, & that wasn't there, suddenly it was so much harder to listen & remember what He had to say.

I looked around me & didn't understand how everyone else this effected seemed to just be... okay. Why wasn't I? Why couldn't I just "get over it"? Why didn't it feel like it was getting better? I knew His plan was better, but I just couldn't see how anything would feel better.

& then a few days ago, I started getting pictures from our friends in Uganda for a few weeks...

& He said "look, she's okay. none of this took me by surprise"

I got pictures of sweet smiley girls & videos of them saying they loved & missed me & he said "listen, I still have a plan for you. You don't need the details yet, your life still has a purpose"

But if I'm being honest, this picture was really what triggered it (even though I just got it 12 hours ago), this picture of my girl, of the beautiful smiling face of the {not quite as little anymore} love I fell head over heals for long before any of this happened, who I would do just about anything for, who breaks my heart daily & I miss beyond words. My eyes lit up at this picture & He said "Don't you see? You're not alone. I love you & my will is bigger than this" 

No, I'm not suddenly magically at complete peace with everything. Yes, it still hurts like crazy. No, I still don't know exactly where I'm going from here, but I have so much more confidence than ever before that my Father hasn't left me stranded, that His will is good & He wants what's best for His children. He put this passion in my heart for a reason & He's not taking it away. & that's why it hurts, but He knows what He's doing. He hasn't taken away what I love, He's showed it to me anew, & even among the hardship & pain & tears, I couldn't be more thankful for His love for me.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

-kutless: "Even If"

3 years.

august 6th.

3 years ago on this day, a plane landed in a Ugandan airport.
there were probably hundreds of people on that flight. every single one of them had lives & purposes. some of those people were natives, coming home from trips abroad. some of them had family there they were visiting. some of them were foreigners, coming back to somewhere they'd been before. some of them were seeing this place for the very first time.

I was one of those people.

& it was on this very day, 3 years ago, that my life changed forever.

I was 12 years old. I'd never been out of the country before, heck i'd hardly been on an airplane. i'd never been on a mission trip. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I'd wanted to go to Uganda for months, I was so excited I could hardly breathe or think about anything else.

& I was so, so incredibly naive.

I'd seen pictures, I'd heard stories, I even knew some of the people's names. but I had absolutely no clue what I was walking into.

I had no idea the hurt I would witness, I had no idea the joy I would feel, I had no idea what that love would be like, or what would happen when I came home.

I had no idea the effect that trip would have on my life, but more importantly, I had no idea how enormously different my life would be after I returned home 2 weeks later.

Uganda had already become a pretty big part of my family's lives that year, but that August, things got personal. Those people became a part of my life. Going to Uganda wasn't something my family did, it was something I did.

& there was no going back, my heart was tied to this place, & it was for good.

3 years ago, I didn't think I could love this place or these people more, today I laugh at what I thought was love back then.

12 year old me, being in Uganda for the first time, had no idea the joy & the love I would experience over the next few years. Had no idea you could love someone as much as I have, that that was even possible. Or what it would be like when I thought I couldn't love someone any more, & yet it still happened. What it would look like to understand just how much my Father loves me, that He would allow me to be part of something that brought so much love & joy into my heart, when He really could do it all Himself. I had no idea I would grow to find so much joy in every day I spent there. I had no idea how much my heart would grow to ache at the thought of being back again. The joy I felt being there that August pales in comparison to the joy I felt getting off that plane a few months ago.

But that's not all I didn't know.

12 year old me had no idea the pain I would experience over the years to come. A few years ago, my life was pretty stinking easy. My idea of what it felt like to be hurt was like a paper cut compared what the next few years would bring. I had no clue how much it would hurt to be away from the people I love. I was utterly oblivious to what it would feel like when that love was pulled out from under me. I didn't know what it felt like to love them & lose them. I didn't have any idea the heartbreak I was in for. I didn't have a clue how many hours I would spend crying, or what it would be like to grow to hate parts of the country I thought I loved everything about.

Uganda holds some of my most beautiful memories, a lot of my most painful moments, times I've felt more scared than I thought possible. It claims some of my brightest smiles & most genuine laughs, & also some of the most tears shed. It was the backdrop for many of the experiences that have made me into the person I am today.

My life today looks dramatically different than it did 3 years ago. My every day thoughts have changed, my ideas about what my future would look like have changed, my priorities have changed a lot.

The last few years have been by far the hardest of my life, they've been beautiful, amazing, & I've seen God come through in incredible ways more times than I can count, but they're been painful, heart wrenching, & have left me both completely in awe & completely at a loss.

& I'll tell you right now that I wouldn't trade them, this love or these scars, for the world.

Dear the little girl I was once asked to give advice to,

A few months back I was spending a few days at my mom's office to make extra money to go towards my then upcoming trip to Guatemala. A mom came in with a teeny tiny newborn baby girl. This little bitty baby was their first daughter, & she had some number of older brothers. My mom smiled & asked me if I had any advice on growing up with that many brothers! At the time I laughed shyly & shook my head, but this is what I would've said if I'd had the time & thought.

Dear the little girl with all those brothers,

First & foremost, I won't sugarcoat it, they're gonna drive you crazy. Up a wall. Nobody in the world will be more capable of getting on every. last. one. of your nerves. And they'll do it too, they'll do everything in their power to make you mad & want to kick them where it hurts. Unfortunately, there's not much advice I can give you in this aspect, learning to deal with each of them in particular is something you'll have to master on your own, & unfortunately, putting them in a box isn't an option. I know, it's disappointing for me too.

When they do, be the princess you were born to be, but not in the spoiled, bratty way some people will expect from you. Be loving, graceful, humble, kind. It won't be easy, you will not be that all the time, I'll guarantee that now, but when those boys make you crazy, do everything you can simply to smile & shake your head. Kill them with kindness little lady, believe me, if you do, you've won.

Please, be patient with them. They're as human as you are, & they'll make you mad, they'll make mistakes, they're BOYS. They'll do things you will likely never understand why or how that would even enter their minds. The male species is a different world, be patient with them. They're stupid, crazy, & will get you & them into trouble, get used to it early on.

Growing up with brothers, your personality may seem to not fit the cliche molds the world has already set up. If you're anything like me, the word "girly" is so very true on one side of the spectrum, & so very not on the other. You may love wearing frilly dresses, but you probably don't mind getting all dirty either. You may love My Little Pony (or whatever is popular while you're growing up) but you might find you don't mind Star Wars or super hero movies either. Sure, you'd prefer puppies, but you probably won't understand when your friends freak out over insects.
It's a weird life to live, with such a strange view of the world, but don't ever change to fit the world's standards.

If your brothers are anything like mine, you'll probably grow up being told from the minute you're old enough to understand, you're not allowed to date boys. The funny thing is, with all those brothers, you're probably not all that interested either. I mean, have you ever been near a boy!? They're gross & weird & stupid, why would I want to date one, right?! Whatever you think of boys, your brothers view of you anywhere near them probably won't change. Let them be protective, & please, if you aren't already shaking your head at the thought of dating, take their advice. Don't date in middle school, it's just not worth it, they're all pretty much the same, middle school boys are NOT worth your time.

But seriously, your brothers love you, I'm sure of it. Take their advice, if your brothers genuinely don't approve of a guy, he's probably not worth it. They won't want you to date anyone, it's true, but still, be careful. LET THEM BE PROTECTIVE, let them scare the heck out of any boy that comes near you, any guy worth having will have to deal with that for the rest of his life, if he deserves you, he can handle them himself.

Oh & hey, be protective of them too. Remember, you're the only one who is really allowed to talk crap about them, that comes with the job description of "little sister", stand up for them. You'll be glad you did. One of the most frequent questions you'll get growing up is "how do you deal with all those boys!?" (that's why I'm writing this after all), be honest, but don't talk bad about them, just look cute & tell them it takes practice, that's what I do ;)

They're your brothers, but let them be your friend. At some point as you guys are growing up, they'll probably think they're too cool for their little sister, or you'll think you're too cool for your big brother, get over yourselves. They're the best friends you'll ever have, & also your ride a lot of the time, be nice. Don't be embarrassed of them, even when they're being ridiculous. The older I've gotten, the more my brothers have gotten to the point that it no longer makes them look "less cool" (in their mind) to hang around their sister. They hug me & we go places & hang out together & I actually miss being around them when I'm gone. Be their friend.

Whether you're 5 or 15 or I'm sure far beyond that, they will make fun of you, every chance they get. You have to learn to not be super sensitive (something I've struggled with) & take all those things with a grain of salt. All of it, brothers do things simply to get a reaction out of you. They may not apologize, they may not admit they didn't mean it, but they most likely weren't saying it to hurt you. They're just boys, & they're stupid & clueless. But you'll learn that for yourself.

Long story short, they're gonna drive you nuts, & you probably won't think to remember this when they're making fun of you or being dumb, but seriously, be patient with them, deal with them in the short term, because I promise you, you're going to be really thankful for them later. You will be thankful for the guys in your life that are always there for you, you'll be thankful for the lifelong friend, you'll be thankful for someone who understands when other people don't. They'll be your best friends, they'll still be your annoying, protective, crazy older brothers, but you won't find anyone more willing to stand by you when you need them.

sincerely, someone who is still figuring all of this out for myself,
Molly

***

That was actually so much fun. Brothers are crazy, but gosh I don't know where I'd be without them.

Living Between Homes

"That's how you know you've got a home, that when you leave it, there's this feeling you can't shake, you just miss it"

We all have a home, even if you don't realize it, appreciate it, or understand it, you have a home somewhere. Maybe it's a place where you find your home, maybe it's a person, wherever they are is where your home is, maybe it's just wherever you go & you have a certain feeling, this means home. Wherever, whoever, whenever your home is, we all have one somewhere, even if we've yet to find it.

Some of us are lucky enough to have found more than one home, or perhaps it's just one, but in different places. It's beautiful & amazing, it's a blessing & I couldn't be more thankful.

But it's hard.

It's beautiful & it's painful, it's amazing & it's heart wrenching, it's a blessing & it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

Living between countries hurts, on one hand I'm always home, I find home with my family & my friends & my church. In doing school with my little brothers, or sitting out on our porch swing listening to music. In InsideOut on Wednesday nights, or staying up late talking about life with my best friend.

I find home with my kids & my family here & the people, no matter how much they may drive me crazy sometimes. In reading to the kids, in teaching them games & playing Ugandan games. In helping them with their homework & trying to keep up with their fast paced hand clap games in Luganda. In doing Sunday school & teaching them from God's word, in putting bandaids on scraped knees & holding them when they fall until they stop crying.

But though I'm always home, I'm always not fully home, there's always something missing, I'm constantly wishing to see someone I can't, who's not there. Constantly wishing to do something that I can't wherever I may be. I'm always homesick, for one place or the other.

It's easier here in Uganda, missing home in Kentucky. Of course I miss my family & my friends, but while I'm here for 2 months, I'm in the states the other 10. Because I know what it feels like to go much longer than two months without seeing my babies, I know how hard & how painful it is to be in Kentucky. Of course I'm looking forward to seeing people again & doing things I can't do here, but I can't wish away my time here, because it's always limited. I know what day I leave to go back to Kentucky, but when I get back, I have no idea how long I'll be waiting to be in Uganda again.

Everyone asks me if I "miss home", like I'm not there. The answer is yes, I always miss home, from Kentucky to Uganda I always miss home, whichever one that may be.

For the next two weeks I refuse to wish away my time here, even though I do miss my family, & sometimes I do wish I could wear shorts or go swimming or go out with my friends, my time here is so incredibly limited whenever here, that I choose not to be anything but ALL here, I can't be wishing to be somewhere else when right now, right here, there's a reason I'm here & I wouldn't give it up for the world.

Living between countries, between homes, isn't an easy life to live, but it's mine, & it's amazing.

Sunflowers… An unexpected truth

Who would have thought that field of sunflowers we pass over & over throughout the years, would suddenly seem so much more meaningful in just one morning.

My mom decided to again "hack" my blog to post her thoughts, spurred on by a beautiful field of sunflowers.

***

I look forward to the sunflower fields this time of year.  

I watch as they stretch up to the sky so quickly.  

Each morning I check their progress… how long til they bloom, tomorrow, the next day.  

Because the season is brief.  

Miss a day watching, or a storm blows through and they have passed their peak.  

Their brilliance is past prime.  

This year I caught them. 

 I even stopped on the way to work and took pictures.  (Sorry for trespassing random field owner, but thanks!)

This morning, I passed them again.  

They are droopy now. 

 Heads bent down, brilliant yellow petals starting to fade.  

Soon, they will be down right UGLY.

But this morning they spoke to me in their droopiness.  

I drove by 

and thought, 

“I feel like those sunflowers”.  

I want everyone to see me at my best, 

like those beautiful tall proud sunflowers in full bloom.  

Strong.  

Tall.  

Beautiful.  

Confident.  

But the reality is often so different.  

I’m tired. 

 Stressed. 

 Lonely. 

 Feeling totally past my peak. 

Should I try to fake it.  

Try to put on a mask and make it all look lovely.  (I don’t think they make masks that good.)

That’s when the Holy Spirit started whispering to my heart.  

Yes, I am tired.  

I am incapable of doing everything that needs to be done. 

 I am lonely, even in a house full of kids, when my best friend and partner is on the other side of the world.

 I am struggling to stay upright some moments.  

There is still work to be done.  

80+ kids in Uganda to care for plus mine at home, a business to run, patients to care for.  

But He says, “It’s ok, My grace is sufficient for you”

I pondered on the sunflowers some more. 

 What is the purpose of a sunflower plant. 

 Beauty?  

Definitely!  

Scripture clearly states that creation is meant to glorify our God.

But is there more??  

There must be more my heart cries.  

Otherwise, why is the beauty so brief!  

But… 

thankfully… 

there is more.  

They provide shelter in the heat and FOOD.  

Nourishment for other creatures big and small.  

But still, 

there’s more…

 they exist to create more sunflowers!!  

As each seed falls to the ground, there is potential!!  

Each seed can fall to the ground and die to itself.  

As it does it is renewed and sprouts to life and grows into newness.  

That one sunflowers producing thousands of seeds each of which has the potential to produce thousands of more sunflowers.  

A simple truth, but one my soul needed this morning.

Then I reflected on my own life.  

I want to stay tall and confident and unflawed.  

But the reality is that is not the purpose of my life.  

Yes, there will be seasons where I pray I reflect the Glory of my Creator and shine His beauty. 

 But there will be other seasons that are different.  

Seasons where He calls me to feed His sheep.  

Literally?  Yes!  

Figuratively?  Yes!  

Its not just a lovely theory, 

its the reality where serving Him in tangible ways kicks in.  

Will it be hard, yes.  

(Like plucking the seeds off a sunflower head.)  

Is it necessary, 

absolutely.  

It is essential if I want to live the life He created me to live.  

Its sharing His love, being His hands and feet.  

It’s getting dirty and having my heart break over and over and over.  

But its ok, 

its His plan.  

Because, when I am weak, then He is strong!

Thankfully on days like this, 

deep down, 

I know there is still more.  

It’s His plan.  

I was also created to share His love, His plan for mankind.  

I am called to be a part of bringing His Kingdom to Earth.  

I am called to be a part of His divine plan to bring more of His children back into his fold.  I am called to be a part of repeating this pattern of living and dying to self to bring forth new life.  

Beautiful.  

Humbling.  

Hard.  

Worth it.

To be honest, I’m not always a fan of the hard stuff.  

I like those days when the sun shines,

 the skies are blue 

and I stand strong and lovely. 

 The other stuff… dying to self, pouring out my life, living to serve God and His children… 

It’s hard.  

We want to gloss over it, 

Christian it up.  

But I want to walk and speak in truth.  

It will be hard, 

and that’s ok.  

Serving Him is guaranteed to bring seasons of work and suffering.  

Jesus told us to take up our crosses, not settle into comfort.  

He promised difficulties and persecution.  

There is no part of the Bible where God told us that His ways would be easy.  

But, these seasons prepare us to be a part of an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  

I will strive to rejoice in the hard times and be thankful for this life that God called me into.  

I will continue to stand in His strength when mine is gone.  

I will continue to feed His sheep and live my life to bring His Kingdom to a hurting world. 

So, if I look ragged… I probably am.  

Stand with me. 

Together we will be stronger.  

We can bring His hope and glory and light into this darkness.

Just like that field of sunflowers!!